Hey you!

Hey you,

The person who is stuck. Stuck somewhere trying to slowly climb out of the hole that is embracing you or trying to climb the tall mountain that just terrifies you. You are stuck somewhere, maybe half way, maybe at the very top but you don't know it yet because you can't see the end point, or maybe you just started. This is for you.

First I just want you to know that you are amazing. I know you hear it all the time, "You are going to get through *insert obstacle* and be better for it."

Okay, yes I know you are going to get through it, you know you are going to get through it-because Suicide is not our answer. Okay? Let me say that again-SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER.

Now, for you who thinks the world is stacked against them. It may feel like that truly and honestly I understand. I hear you loud and clear; yell, scream, cry. Do whatever you want listen to loud music, dance crazy around your room, run two miles, cry for hours, travel and act like a new person each place you go. I get it life is hard, but that's life. I'm sorry that life is hard for you, I am. But lets take a minute and step back to take a breather.

Breathe in. 1. 2. 3. Okay, now think about everything, all your accomplishments. I will list a few off for you and while you are reading each object think about it if it has ever happened remember that time remember the memories and experiences.

1. You got your first bike.

2. You saved up your own money to buy something.

3. You made a new friend.

4. You got an A on a test.

5. You met a girl/boy friend.

6. It was a nice day outside so you couldn't help grabbing an ice cream and just watching the clouds go by.

7. Going to the park.

8. Swimming.

9. Graduating.

10. Getting your first job.

11. Singing in the shower.

12. Playing with animals.

13. Watching your favorite movie.

The list can go on forever, but I just want you to read those lists. Remember what each of those things did and the good, or bad, memories that came out of those experiences. You made it, right? You made it even though one time you got an F when you thought you at least made a B. You fell off your brand new bike but you kept trying. The ice cream was melting quicker than you could eat it but it was still delicious and yet you still continued to eat it.

Yes, these are small acts but look at you! You did it. You did whatever small tiny obstacle that was and I just want you to know I am proud of you. I am proud that you got out of bed today, I am proud you brushed your teeth, I am proud you brushed your hair. I am proud that you decided to finish an obstacle today. Whether you did or did not do something I am proud of you.

More often times than not I get angry with myself, "You made a B when you could have made an A if you studied harder." "Why didn't you workout harder maybe you would be skinnier." "You have no friends because you are mean."

The list goes on trust me. But I am learning to be proud of myself and the person I see in the mirror. I challenge you to do that as well. I challenge you to look yourself in the mirror and say "Life is tough but I am tougher, I have been through so much already and this mountain will not defeat me. I know my worth and this is not the end of it. I have to keep going, keep walking, keep pushing until my mountain is climbed. Then when the mountain is climbed and I can see the trees, valleys, water, and more down below I will take a breath. I will soak this beautiful view in, and then I will walk back down the Mountain to find a new mountain to tackle."

Just because you have finished climbing One Mountain does not mean you can stop and quit, no keep pushing keep fighting. There is always something new and better you can do, find it and do it.

I want you to know, you are going to be okay. I believe in you and I am proud of even the smallest accomplishments you have overcome. You and I alike are human and we will get through this. Yes, Life is hard, yes you might want to give up and walk back down the mountain with your body drenched in sweat gasping for cleaner air and water. But just you wait when you get to the other side there will be fresher air and cleaner water. Now embrace your awesomeness and continue to climb. Take 5 minute breaks every now-and-then but never give up. You are too good to give up.

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do." -Unknown

Catch me if you can

"Happy New Years" "So what's your new years resolution?" Great question. Most people answer, "oh to loose weight" or something unrealistic.

I did not really have a resolution. There are some things I would like to resolve or change in my life but of course that won't happen over the minute we are expected to change it because it's a new year. How many times have we said to loose weight? Yet you never got a gym membership or never went out and actually worked out? Yeah I have. Multiple times, it hasn't happened until now. I say this year I will loose weight yet have never done anything about it. That has changed.

Last semester I kept telling myself how I need to work out and get my life together. News flash, I'm 19. I will not have my life together, no matter how much I try to. I'm learning and I will make mistakes and it will take me forever to eventually get my life together. One thing I can rely on myself for doing is working out and trying to get healthy. Me and two of my friends have been working out everyday at 8.
When I was younger I was really insecure and never wanted to work out because I didn't want people to see me and judge me. Lately I am still this way but at the same time I am also somewhat confident and somewhat don't care. If someone is going to make fun of me they will no matter what I do so I decided to live my life no matter what. You can make a New Years Resolution but don't make one that's unrealistic, make one that makes you shoot for something, to be better, to be confident, to be your true self.
One thing I told myself was I would write more blog posts, that's unrealistic for me considering all the free time I have is either to eat, sleep, or study. Also the sorority has some things going on but not big enough events that I have some cool things to write about. Except this week is informal recruitment so I am actually really excited. Nonetheless I somewhat made an unrealistic resolution or goal for myself because I am hectic busy. I will try to make weekly blog posts but sometimes that's a stretch.
I also said I would draw more and write more and do stuff that helps me at ease when I'm really stressed but lately I have little time to do stuff and the times I do I either study or watch Netflix. I think that everyday you should put some time FOR YOURSELF to do anything. Whether that be drawing, coloring, singing, dancing, or doing whatever it is that makes you glad and calm do it.
Another thing to do is make realistic resolutions. I didn't really make a resolution this year because I knew I wouldn't keep up with it but my mom, friends and I have actually been keeping up with it and I hope it lasts and I hope I start to get healthy.
"When you work out your problems diminish and your confidence grows."

What did you say?

Annyeonghasaeyo. Can you understand what I just said? Should I repeat it? Annyeonghasaeyo. It means Hello, in Korean. Did I forget to mention I'm Korean? Well I am. For the past month I have been thinking of what to write about I mean the first post of the year should be good, right? I agree.
I thought, should I post about New Years? No. Should I post about Resolutions? No. Should I write about starting second semester? No. Nothing big or awesome happened, besides turning 19. Now I finally know what I want to write about.
I am a year older, a year wiser, and just the same childish and stubborn girl I always have been. I have changed and not on the outside where people can place the point in which I have changed. No I have changed on the inside. I've grown over this semester in college, I somewhat know what I want to be when I grow up. (If I grow up, I still love Disney so I don't think that will happen.) My hopes for myself have changed into things realistically and not realistic to other people. I believe and hope so much for myself that I know with hard work and effort it will come true. My inspiration has changed and grown stronger. My spirit and soul have grown wiser and helped me to understand things clearly and better. My ambition has also changed and has grown stronger.

By that I mean I have wanted to some things in my life and have pushed it off and pushed it off but now I am starting to slowly do those things. Since I was younger I always wished my grandmother just talked in Korean to me and taught me how to speak that language. I remember asking her to make the Alphabet and teach me words but she always said "No." Before I got let out for Christmas break I had applied to a Study Abroad Program my school offered. My counselor told me that I shouldn't hope to high because I was a week late and I was a freshman. I agreed. This week I got the email saying that I did not get in, I wasn't sad because I already knew. That only gave me motivation to try harder for next years application. On the application it asked if I learned any Korean and how. The answer was some Korean and by my grandmother. That is not the case anymore. My aunt started watching Korean Tv Shows on Netflix and has my mother and I hooked.
Last night my friend and I went to go eat and as I was sitting down I heard people around me speaking. In my head I thought they were speaking in Korean and had to affirm it with my friend which she told me no I was going crazy. I told my mom and she asked if I could understand them which would be good considering that meant I was learning, but I could not understand all. It seemed they were speaking the harder words that I do not yet know. Last night after that incident I decided that I wanted to really start learning Korean. So I went on google looking through so many cites and so many pictures and slowly am now teaching myself Korean.

Today after class I finished all my homework and decided I should write down what I learned. I grabbed paper and a pencil and started to write down the Alphabet, numbers and words. When it came to words I would write how to spell it then I would try and write it in Korean and then write it in Korean and figure out how to spell it out. I can proudly say that I am slowly but surely getting the hang of it and learning Korean. I can't wait to go home and speak to my grandmother and surprise her with what I have taught myself. I am very proud of myself and I hope that this inspiration and motivation keeps up throughout this year and my life. I hope to become ambitious and do things that I never thought of doing that inspires me and makes me better.

"Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try."

Graduation

So as most of you know I GRADUATED! And it was honestly the best feeling in the world, but what I didn't realize was I never wrote about it! I went from senior year straight to college years and totally forgot about the BIGGEST and BEST transition between them; graduation.

If you have/have not been to a graduation that is perhaps good and bad. Why bad, you may ask? Well personally I graduated with a class of over 500 so the ceremony did take a while but the good thing about it is seeing everyone's accomplishments.

For High Schoolers, at least for me, Graduation was more than just a diploma and the ritual cap and gown. It was more than becoming an official adult and looked forward to college and leave high school behind. Graduating was an accomplishments. It made me realize I went to school for 13+ years and I worked my butt off, perhaps sometimes I could have worked harder, but regardless I worked my butt off. 

Freshman year I didn't give a care in the world because I was in high school and eventually I would get my diploma and go to college regardless of what I get. By junior and senior year I realized in order to get into schools I wanted I changed my life I worked extra hard and I realized I wanted to go to this specific school and despite what I did freshman year I will show them how big of a change I can make. So I did I got my life together and made A's and B's (with some occasional C'a but sometimes that's okay). 

Graduation was my pride and joy because I finally accomplished so many years of school. Sure there were times I wanted to quit and just drop out but that's not who I am. I stuck it out and being able to walk the stage was the best feeling ever! 

So here was how my graduation went:

Well that morning I went with my mother and one of my aunts to go get our nails done before the ceremony. After that I went home to put some make up on and do my hair. Next was time to put on my dress and of course the cap and gown. It was time for me too leave. My mother took me so she could take pictures and I saw my friends so obviously it was picture time. After multiple multiple run through a it was time.

This was it, this was my time to shine. (The whole week leading up to Graduation I had this big fear I was going to fall on stage.) I was the first one in line, the first one to step out and have the world see me as the 2015 graduates from my school. As we took our seats I looked around, I looked at the many faces sitting beside me. I saw people I knew for so long and some people I met recently and some people I never knew. Regardless of that everyone made up their own part in this graduation, or in this school. After talking for what felt like hours it was time to walk. (So I had a honor roll ceremony and rushed off stage as my name was called so my mom told me the night before not to run off stage for Graduation). Well my name was called, remember running off stage? I couldn't do that this time so many people were watching me people in front of me, it just couldn't happen, and honestly I was okay with that. They said my name and I smiled and took the happiest and proudest walk of my life on that stage. I shook our Principal's hand and took a picture. I then proceeded to sit back down. 

Once the whole thing was over my friends and I hugged and said to sach other "WE ARE FINALLY DONE." That's what you would expect from a high schooler who just finished right? Once we walked out of the building it was packed, remember the 500 and over students? Yeah that many plus more because of families were all swarmed together, it was funny because everyone was just yelled for their families, no one was suppose to have phones. So you would hear "Mom." "Dad." "MOM." Coming from so many directions it was a mess. The one thing I would recommend on your graduation day is take your time. Enjoy this moment because you will have to wait 4+ years for another moment like this. I remember my family rushed me after the ceremony to get food, and the problem was I didn't get to take pictures with everyone I wanted. I think that is one moment I was sad to see happen, so just enjoy your moment because that day will be yours! 

Honestly though, high school was pretty great. I mean of course my best friend and I fought every other week and high school sucked, but high school wasn't so bad. I got my first heart break there, I found out what I wanted to be, I learned who I was there, I met friends, I realized how to stand up for myself, I learned that I love writing and that I am sometimes good at it. I realized where I wanted to go to college, and why. I realized that I wanted to make a difference in the world, and realized I could be creative without trying to so hard. I realized you can't please everyone. I learned so much in high school, just like I will, and have, in college. I spent 4 years in High School and will spend more in College, but this is all my experience and I don't regret any of it. So when you get to your graduation, don't rush through it. Slow down, enjoy it because it will be a while for there to be a moment like that again. Look around and realize that you are growing up, and that you may not be with these people who had such a great impact on your life again. Graduation is the first realization that we are growing up, but don't let it happen to quickly. Embrace all the challenges life has to offer you and take everything in slowly and enjoy your graduation day.

"It's funny how day by day, nothing changes, but looking back everything changed." -C.S. Lewis

2015 has taught me...

Just like everyone, each year has taught me something different. I believe that this year has really taught me some things that the years before have not. Not only because I graduated and become a College girl or because I'm now in a sorority. I know that those do play into it but I think it goes beyond more than that.
1. It's okay to be average or to not exceed in some things.
I have had some difficult classes this year in College and my family and friends have taught me that it is okay that I am not excelling in that one subject. I have learned that and am fully aware that I am alright even if I'm not perfect in one subject.
2. To cut people out.
This year has been different because the transition between High School and College is difficult and I have definitely lost some friends along the way. I've lost people who I thought we would always be friends with. I've learned that you don't need fake or temporary friends, you need friends who build you up not tear you down or use you.
3. To become confident.
Every Monday I have to wear Pin attire for the Sorority and Wednesday's I have to wear our letters, and I learned that no matter what I wear I should feel confident and feel beautiful. I remember one specific Wednesday, the Wednesday after big/little reveal, I wore the shirt my big gave me and it was a snug shirt and I am use to big shirts now so I wore it anyways. I also wore skinny jeans and ankle heels and I felt very out of place because I am not use to stuff like that but being around my friends they helped me to feel confident and told me that I looked good in that outfit. Being surrounded by my new friends have helped me become a little bit confident.
4. Family is important.
Being an hour and a half away from home may not seem long but for a girl who has only been away from home is a week it's pretty hard. Every time I come home I know how important each and every second is with my family, and I cherish it all.
5. To be independent.
Being away from home has definitely taught me how to become independent. I have learned how to "adult" and have quickly learned I am best suited for the child life. I have been to the grocery store and have bought my own groceries by myself and have cooked some things. I remember that last year it was really hard for me to get up by myself either my mom or brother had to wake me up to go to school but this year I have learned to wake up on my own and not rely on anyone to help wake me up.
6. To stick up for myself.
In the past I have let people walk all over me and I have just accepted it, but not anymore. I have learned if I don't like something then I can stop it instantly. I had a friend last year who did not treat me right and coming into College I have tried to stick up for myself and with the new friends I am surrounded by I have learned that sticking up for myself is something important.
7. Cutting people out of your life is okay and sometimes needed.
I have cut some people out of my life this year and have not looked back. It is important to get rid of the negative people in your life, you just need people who will build you up not tear you down.

All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies

Being single, is okay it is not the end of the world!

Please don't think of yourselves as ugly, pathetic or desperate. Sometimes all we want is to find someone who is serious and start a family. At least that's what I want.

Earlier this month I went home for our annual pumpkin painting party. While I was there we all talked about how the little ones are growing up quickly and how my brother and I are also. Then came the part on how once the little ones hit double digits I will start to find someone, get married and start having babies of my own. Then my aunt said "you need to get married so I can go to a dance."

Crazy right? I'm only 18 and they are talking about marriage and kids, ALREADY! I told my friends about this conversation and my answer back was "well, I'm trying, but I'm a potato."

(Can we just take a minute to say that that is my favorite line ever, I even have my friends saying it too now.)

Anyways my whole life I imagined how in College I would find the perfect guy for me who would help complete me. Turns out I was wrong, I went to church earlier this month and heard the Pastor talk about how so often we seek for people who will complete us when we just need someone to help us. We should not ask to be completed by someone, because God will complete us. Instead we should ask God for someone who will help us.
Many times this semester I have heard my friends talk about which guy they are with now, and that they are too cool because they have a lot of guys fawning over them. Meanwhile I am sitting and just eating my pizza, and have plenty of times been mad at them bragging over their guys. I have come to terms that I shouldn't. Why should I be sad and wanting a boyfriend when all of my friends have these guys and all they do is hurt them, or in turn get hurt themselves. What good is that? Instead I should focus on myself, I should focus on letting God complete me to where when I am ready for a relationship God will finally send him my way.
I have always been about 8-10 years younger than my cousins, and one of them had a child at about 19-20 but his older brother has yet to have a child. My aunts have plenty of times told him he needs to settle down. Plenty of times. I have just been told that once, and I freaked out. I am only 18 and they are telling me that I need to get married and start my family, like now. Earlier this month my friend,K, and I went to eat with her friend from home. Her friend was a wife, and mother, as well as expecting and she was successful and looked like she had her life together. She's about 10 years older than me, the same age as my cousin. 10 years older, yet my family is wanting me to start now.
Sure I got mad at my family for expecting that of me, because I have been trying my hardest these past months in College but then I realized that when both, me and my future husband are ready we will meet one another. I saw someone write a post saying that we younger people need to pray for our future husbands and kids every once in a while. So while my friends are "living in the moment" and testing guy after guy I will continue to be the little flower I am and watch movies and eat pizza, while I pray for my future husband to not be doing what my friends are doing and hopefully for us to have some beautiful and amazing children. I will pray that he is also praying for me, and that one day we will both have our lives together and that by that time we will meet one another, and instead of completing one another we will instead help one another in spreading the word of God as well as helping each other will our everyday lives.
If you happen to be single and you are about 16-24, it is totally okay. K is 21 and she does not have a boyfriend, I mean she does have a guy at home who I am sure they will get married (of course that's a different matter) but she's not stressing. Her mother is pressuring her to find a soulmate because she's 21 but she's not. Why? Perhaps because all the guys here are immature, or are just wanting one thing, sex. Now if those guys are wanting that they they can go elsewhere, because I know a lot of girls who are wiling to do that, but my friend and I are not. Perhaps that is why we are both single, but I believe that if a guy and I are destined to be together, he won't want that, and also God will have me be ready for him and that won't be necessary until our Married days. So if you are single don't worry, because you have your priorities straight and you should focus on yourself and your goals before you think about dating anyone anyways. So to child of God that wishes and hopes that the guy in your class takes another glance at you, remember it's okay not to have a guy. It's okay to focus on your self and for the time being be without a guy.
"Imagine a man so focused on God that the only reason he looked up to see you is because he heard God say… "There she is"…"
"You are a daughter of the KING. You are worth more than you know. A man is going to give you the world, please don't settle for less." 

Dream ~BIG~LITTLE~ One

In my earlier post about initiation I realized I mentioned, my big, twiddle and littles and I totally forgot to put a post about big/little reveal.

[Us waiting to go inside the building.]

What is big/little reveal exactly? Well at the beginning of the year we wrote who we wanted to be our big and then once that decision was made we have a whole week of our bigs kind of spoiling us. Now what is a big, you ask. A big is an older member of the sorority who takes you under her wing and is your helper and someone who can just be there for you anytime of the day.

(In order from left to right; Me, D, K.V, A., and K.N.)

The night after meeting our bigs gave us our favorite snack. The night before the meeting one of the girls asked me my favorite snacks. Nothing could come to mind so I was thinking and asked my best friend from home, as well as my mom. Of course they came in clutch. I only told her I liked paydays, and chex mix, when I opened the bag I found sprite and Hershey's drops. My big knew me so well without me having to tell her, SCORE!

So the first day my big gave me our letters, she painted them in pink and gold with flowers, and I think this is my favorite gift she gave me. I could tell she worked really hard on it. I absolutely love them!

The second day she gave me our creed. During this time most of us littles try and figure out bigs out so we can know who they are and spend time with them earlier than the big/little reveal day. Our bigs know this and the whole week I tried to compare my bigs handwriting with others seeing if anyones matched as well as if any of the older members wrote me anything to compare their handwriting also.

The third day my big gave me a bunch of pink things. A pink spiral, a pink pencil, a pink flashlight, pink gum, pink Chapstick, pink notecards, pink socks, pink fake flowers, pink starbursts, a pink L, pink hang pins, pink fluffy balls, and pink glitter. I commented "How could I use this?" referring to the glitter when one of the girls stated "You could use that as fairy dust!" and I said "I could be Tinker Bell with these fluffy balls also!" This was the last day before our official meeting of big little.

Since this was the last day before knowing who are big was everyone kept asking one another who do you think your big is?

I'll tell you my thought process. I thought my big was G because her best friend is the one that asked me what my favorite snack was. Then every time we did something at the sorority she would either  talk to me or stare, and not in the rude sense. But I also thought it was M because the first letter my big wrote me was "I loved you since day 1." M interviewed me throughout rush week so I thought perhaps she was my big. Then I also thought it was B, the girl who asked me my favorite snack, because my friend G.D got the same flashlight as me, just orange. Also that night G texted me asking my favorite disney movie, or favorite tv show. I thought it was ironic because G was there when I said I could be tinker bell and my big knew my love for disney. That is partially why I thought she was my big. So that's what I told people. I didn't know who exactly would be my big tell the next day.

(K and I)

It was finally the next day. It was the day we got to find out who are big was. We had a meeting before that, just the new members did it. Once the meeting was over we would then finish and have enough time to get ready to where we can look cute for pictures. Once it was 30 minutes to the reveal we all pilled in A's car and drove to the building. It had to be planned out very strategically so none of us could know who our big is. This was the last day for presents, so presents were lined up all over the room. Just my luck, I was first. In my basket my big had made me canvas' which made me really happy because I LOVE canvas' and my dorm needs a little decorating. The first Canvas is Dream Big Little 1. the second is our sorority with an infinite sign saying big little on either side. Then the second and third Canvas are my favorite. The third one says "Darling it's Better Wearing These Letters." And it has some fish on it, I didn't tell her my favorite movie was Little Mermaid but yet she made it. It made me really happy that she made it. The fourth one, and my all time favorite; says Once Upon a Time. It is colored really pretty brown with goldfish colors. My favorite tv show is Once Upon A Time with all the fairy tale characters. I am so in love with this one, she told me she did it the night before. It looks so awesome that it was planned way before. The next thing she gave me is a blackboard with ladybugs all over it. Also she gave me a cup that is big enough that cereal can fit as well as a drinking bowl. She also gave me a mason jar cup with skittles filled into it. Also some lotion, a picture frame that our picture is suppose to go into. A tiny Lion, because that is my favorite animal some fuzzy socks, and a pearl necklace with a flower headband. Also some fake flowers and an L Canvas letter with flower fabric onto. Lastly our big/little shirts were in the bowl cup and it is pink with little on the side and angel wings on the back.

(The front of the shirt.)

(The back of the shirt.)

Then once everyone opened their presents from their big it was time to find out who are bigs were. We had to go out into the next room while all the bigs were figuring out what to do. My big, whoever she is, asked me the night before what my favorite song is. I said fight song. That's how we had to find our big, we walked outside and there were a bunch of cars everywhere music being blasted from all different directions and you had to listen for the song your big was playing. Before we went out we had a piece of paper that was the lyrics for the song she played for us. It was finally my turn, and I walked out and was listening for Fight Song. Then I heard it, I ran as fast as I could to the car and in the drivers side is G. My BIG! If you guessed her, then you guessed right! It was G. We hugged and went back inside and took a bunch of pictures!

(My big and I)

Now for family terms. I have a big, G, she has a twiddle K (kind of like a twin but we say twiddle), her twiddle has twiddles D, and A. I have a G-Big C., and we have somewhat of a lot of cousins but our family is the middle size family. There is one family that makes up majority of the sorority.

(From left to right: [light purple] K, B, L. [dark purple] B, A, G, F, [dark purple] K, A, D, C, [pink] G.)

What was funny is when my big texted me the night before asking all of my favorite things I said "you're welcome big" and she had told me that she wasn't. After I found out she was she told me how nervous she was and she was freaking out panicking because I called her big already. She still tells me that story and every time I laugh. I already love my family and I can't wait to grow with these girls and I defiantly can't wait until I'm a big and will impact someone's life like mine has to me.

"Your vibe attracts your tribe."